Crisis September 28, 2009
Last week my family got awful news: my dad has cancer. He’s been dealing with intense back pain since the beginning of the year and over the past few months his stomach has been bothering him, too. But none of us expected something so serious to be wrong. He was scheduled for back surgery this week and it was during some of his pre-op testing that his doctors found the cancer.
The night he told me I’d just finished giving Sky a bath. I noticed a missed call on my phone, so I stepped out onto the porch to call him back. “I have cancer,” he said matter-of-factly. I inhaled sharply. “What kind?” I asked. He hesitated. “Well, they’re not entirely sure… I’ll have more tests run later this week. But they think it started in my pancreas.” I stared out at the street lights. Started? I thought to myself. As in, it’s already spread to other places? And did he really say pancreas? I wanted to ask him a million questions, but sensed that now was not the time. “The doctors plan to start radiation and chemo soon,” my dad continued, and then told me he still needed to call the rest of my brothers and sisters. I told him how sorry I was and how I’d be praying. “Well, just remember,” he said, and I could tell he was looking for a positive way to end the conversation, “I have a secret weapon. I have your mother.” I nodded, as if he could see me, and we said goodbye. Then I sat down in one of our porch rocking chairs and cried so hard I could barely breathe.
The next day I woke up with one thought in my head: I need to be with my family. But that’s more complicated than it sounds. My parents live in Michigan and my sisters just moved into an apartment in Chicago. Two of my brothers live in Nashville, one lives in California, and my youngest brother lives in England with his wife and baby boy. We live near Adam’s family in Florida. All of us are making plans to head to Michigan, but in the meantime most of our communication has been through email. And I hear tears in every message.
But at the same time, my family loves God, so there is hope too. My brother Hans, after writing about how much he’s cried over our dad who “has worked so hard and been so good to us all,” signed his email with “live in prayer and hope.” Nelson wrote later and said that Lars, the Californian, took a job transfer to Chicago and will now be living just a couple hours from my parents. “God uses everything, wastes nothing,” Nelson said. Then he quoted Proverbs16:9 – “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”
And it doesn’t surprise me that my mom’s messages are the most encouraging of all. “Please read the 23rd Psalm,” she wrote to all of us kids. “He leads me… He restores me… He guides me… Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear NO evil… He is with me… He comforts me… He prepares for me… Goodness and love will follow me….” She closed that email with this: “We are all stumbling as we walk together through ‘the valley of the shadow of death.’ But we need not fear ANYTHING! God is very close. We feel His tender touch continually.”
How is it possible to feel so devastated and so blessed at the same time? I’m scared of what the coming months may hold. Everything seems strange and uncertain; things will never be like they were before we heard this news. But when I feel the most overwhelmed, I think of my family speaking the words of God – words that are always true, no matter our circumstances – and I know that regardless of what lies ahead, He will never leave us to handle this on our own.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18
Dear Sweet Linnea –
My heart goes out to you and your family. I know what your struggle is… my father was also disgnosed with cancer in April (though they didnt tell me until after the baby was born)..it’s a very hard pill to swallow, especially for my father who has such a serious heart problem as well. I cried and cried as you did… felt angry for a man who has worked so hard to care for his family – to get cancer!?!?!? I know there is alot going on in your head/heart. Trying to process it will help – but do know that we DO serve a GINORMOUS God who has everything in the palm of His hands.
I will say this – – – moving here, though it has been an insanely rough journey for my family of 7, has been the best thing ever. Its really wonderful to have my dad (and mom) so close with the kids now. I’m praying for you…
Oh sweet heart. My heart is breaking for you, and I am praying fervently for everyone this crisis touches…but mostly for your dad. I met him briefly at the wedding, and even those few minutes of light conversation left me knowing what an amazing person he was, and how filled his heart was for God. Please let me know if there is anything we can do or help you with, i know we dont have much, but we have prayer and an extra room if you need to drive up and need a place to crash. Please send our love to your family, kenny wants ad to know he can call him any time if he needs. he is doing better lately and would love to talk.
Take care of your self. I know this has to be so hard to deal with, being pregnant and all when you get the news. But your faith in God is astounding, and i KNOW that is what will carry you thru.
Love you darling.
~~~>Kristin
Linnea, when I was 12 & visiting y aunt and uncle in Jacksonville, Fla., we received the -then devestating news that my dad had hardening of the arteries…RA..and I don’t remember what else…at that time in medicine…the technology was so limited..and he lived another 15 yrs or so….and I, too, cried a river…over those years as we watched him waste away…my mother lovingly caring for him, him never losing his faith in God…witnessing to everyone who would listen when he would go to the hospital…even for the last time.
Tears, are a ‘washing of our souls’….God..touches every one of them…so..don’t ever feel bad about shedding them…and your dad’s (seeming) abruptness, that’s his ‘matter-of-fact lawyer’ mode..short and to the point….but trust me…I’ve seen his eyes when he looked at his children, and wife, and the love of our God….is so strong a cord in your family, God Is still carrying out HIS plan for your dad’s life….and your family’s borders have been expanded because of that great love. We hurt when you do…rejoice when you do…and the future of each one of us …is not for us to decide..TRUST HIM.
My heart just aches for you all. I love you.
Keep your eyes on Jesus, Linni. He will carry you and keep you safe from fear.
“The eternal God is your refuge and underneath
are the everlasting arms.” Deut.33:27
Dear Sister, know how very much you and your family are loved by us all. You are in our prayers and thoughts continually. Call absolutely any time if you need to talk or need someone to watch Sky while you have some quiet time – I will make whatever adjustments I need to to be there. I love you.
crying out to our God of miracles,
Aron
My heart grieves with you and your family as you all walk through this difficult time. It is my prayer that you will feel Him carry you through this just like the footsteps in the sand poem. May you feel his strong arms holding you close to chest to where you can feel His heartbeat and His breath on your face. I have experienced that myself when we were overwhelmed with taking care of John’s dad and mom.
Thru the time and distance, I love you , Linni.
Love you Linni. So sorry to hear this news but so glad your family has their hope in Jesus. I will be praying that you all feel closer than ever and that God truly is your strength right now. So hard to be apart from your family right now, so I’ll also be praying that you guys get the time you need together physically too.
big hugs to you my friend
My sons, mom and brothers are all praying for your family. Our hearts are saddened by the news late last week. Casey forwarded the emails to me. We are all praying for your dad and whole family.
Sincerely,
Katie, Zachary(11), Aidan(7) and Connor (4), and mom Marrs
We’re with you in this. Keep looking up! God is your strength and peace.
I will keep him in my prayers and your family…God always gives us the strength and GRACE when we NEED it…remember, from ‘Fruits of the Spirit’…I’ve been praying on that a lot lately as we’ve had some hard news lately too. I love you…Rach
I too am so sorry to hear this. I am so glad you all know the Lord in such a real way, knowing He is an ever-present help. My parents are both cancer survivors, though I realize their diagnoses weren’t quite like this one, I remember how I felt when I heard the news. I know it’s harder not being there. For my dad, I was here in Thailand then and he didn’t want me to come home. I don’t think I had ever been so grateful for the power of prayer, which really does affect change and it doesn’t matter where we are geographically. He is an ever-present help for you through this, as well as your dad and your whole family.