Imperfection April 27, 2009
Sometimes my baby reminds me of Chewbacca from Star Wars. While drinking her bottle she often stops, pulls away and lets out a big, Chewy-like yell, then goes back to feeding as usual. Is she just expressing herself? Letting out pent up energy? I’m not really sure. She’s always been restless. Even before her birth she moved constantly. One night near the end of my pregnancy Adam and I actually went to the hospital because it felt like she was doing flips inside me, and I’d read somewhere that if your baby’s movements seem “frantic” you should get checked. The nurse hooked me up to a fetal monitor for fifteen minutes and came back with this report: “Your baby’s vital signs are healthy, but that is one active child you’ve got in there.” I looked at Adam with terror in my eyes, wondering what we were in for as new parents.
When I finally found out I was pregnant after our years of infertility, I couldn’t wait to be a mom – to hold my baby, comfort her, and nurse her. People had told me how wonderful breastfeeding is, how it causes a rush of feel-good hormones to flow through both mother and child. I’d also heard that it could be difficult at first so I took a breastfeeding class during my pregnancy and read books about it. I was determined to make it work. When we brought Sky home from the hospital my milk had come in and all I needed to do was get her to latch on properly and drink. It sounds so simple! But Sky did not cooperate. She cried almost every waking moment and when I’d feed her she’d suck a little, pull back and cry and squirm, suck a bit more, then pull back again. Sometimes she’d thrash around with my nipple in her mouth. I began to dread feeding her.
I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. She seemed so frustrated, and that made me frustrated. “You need to relax or your milk won’t come down,” my mom instructed. But relaxing while your baby is screaming her little brains out is not so easy. We went to see a lactation consultant. She was very nice, but it didn’t seem to help. By the end of the first week I’d broken down and given Sky a bottle, the very thing I hadn’t wanted to do. Even with the bottle she would cry, but at least it didn’t hurt me to feed her. The pediatrician found nothing wrong with her – she was just fussy. After two months, I gave up. I loved my baby, but I hated breastfeeding her. When combined with other, non-feeding-related crying sessions and major sleep deprivation, I felt like I was going insane. With Adam’s encouragement I began to feed Sky formula exclusively.
There are many things about motherhood that haven’t turned out the way I’d imagined. I wish breastfeeding had gone better. I wanted to be a perfect mom and I’m not. You know what though? Sky is doing great. She is a healthy, happy little girl. And I can’t take credit for it. God is the one shaping my child’s life. I do my best, but he is in control, and I’m so thankful he can make up for my imperfection.
