Kiss Your Miracle

Before I became a mom I would start most mornings the same way – reading my Bible and drinking coffee. I’m definitely a morning person and I always loved that time. Then one day I started to wonder which I looked forward to more: God’s word or my morning coffee. I knew I would read my Bible even if I didn’t have coffee, but would I read it as long? Would I like it as much? I wasn’t really sure and I felt slightly guilty about it.

Then during our infertility, my relationship with God shifted. I’d never in my life felt desperate and inadequate the way I did then, and I turned to God because I knew I wouldn’t make it on my own. Looking back, I can see it was a time of growth. But in the middle of it, right after our IVF attempt failed, I found myself struggling with depression. Things I had always loved suddenly seemed pointless. The school year was about to start and I wasn’t sure how I would even get out of bed every morning, much less work up the energy necessary to teach six classes of high school English. I began to dread the first the day of school. I remember thinking about Adam and the kind of guy he is – how I knew he would love me and take care of me no matter what, even if I quit my job and dropped out of life for a while. It was tempting.

But in the end, I went to school that first day. Thinking big picture – week after week of teaching – was almost enough to give me a panic attack, so I decided instead to focus on the small things that helped me get through each day. Strong, hot coffee in the morning. Peanut butter and honey sandwiches with my teacher-friends at lunch. Driving home after school with the windows down. Beck and Jack White. Pizza and wine with Adam. I don’t remember praying any big, scriptural prayers during that time. I just thanked God for little things. And I think that kept me connected to him, even though I was still fragile and emotional most of the time.

By winter of that year I felt more like myself again, but I saw things differently. I believe in moderation and in fasting, too. But why feel unspiritual for appreciating something good that God’s given us? Some Christians don’t feel guilty about anything. But others, like me, tend to feel false guilt for things that aren’t even wrong. And it seems to me like Satan wants it that way – for us to feel vaguely uneasy about something innocent while overlooking the real sin in our lives. I know that God wants me to work at developing a deep faith. But I think God also likes it when I spend time with him as a friend. Just last night I thanked him for creating a person who came up with dark chocolate M&M’s. And I think sometimes a prayer like that is just as valuable as any other.