Regret July 28, 2009
We had Sky’s first birthday party last Saturday and it was a blast. She was a little overwhelmed at first by the crowd of people, and when we put a small cake on her high chair tray, she seemed more confused than excited about the blue frosting covering her hands. But by the time she’d opened her presents, she was racing around with her new car push-toy as if to say, “See mom? I’m not tired at all. I can stay up later now, right?” All in all the evening was perfect.
Except for one thing. After cake and ice cream, some of us were sitting around the table when the topic of holiday plans came up. Because my family lives up north and Adam’s is all down here in Florida, we usually alternate where we go – we’ll do Thanksgiving with his family, Christmas with mine, and then reverse that the next year. 2009 should be our year to have Christmas in Michigan with my family, but if things go smoothly with this pregnancy I’ll be in the middle of my last trimester, and it’ll probably be too late for us to travel. So for now the plan is to stay here in Florida for Christmas. And as we were discussing this, I told Adam’s aunt how disappointed I was at the thought of not being up north this year, especially since my brother Hans and his wife Katy, who live in England, will be there with Sky’s cousin Nicholas. He’s seven months old now and we haven’t even met him yet. “It’s almost like we’re being cheated out of the Christmas we planned,” I said.
The conversation rolled forward around me, but I suddenly stopped, hearing only myself in my mind. Had those words really just come of out my mouth? Did I actually say I’d been “cheated”? Because I’m pregnant? I quickly backtracked, saying something to the table about how much we want this baby and that it’s really no big deal to stay home this year, especially because some of my family might come down to Florida. But that’s the thing about careless words – you can explain yourself or even apologize, but what you said can’t really be taken back. It’s still there for anyone to remember.
As everyone at the party chatted and laughed, I sat at the table feeling sick. I don’t think it’s wrong to feel disappointed about not heading north for Christmas. But during our infertility I told myself that if God ever gave me a baby, I’d do everything I could to keep perspective. And I definitely wouldn’t complain about insignificant things. In fact, I really resented the friends I had who seemed to focus only on the drawbacks and sacrifices of their pregnancies instead of the miracle they were blessed to experience. But now I’d done just that. I felt like a total hypocrite.
Long after everyone left, I was still thinking about it. I love Skylar and I’m beyond happy about the pregnancy. I even wrote a post a couple weeks ago about my goal to be grateful, nausea and all. So what’s my problem? Why had it been so easy to see the baby’s birthday as inconvenient, something that might get in the way of our plans? And then I remembered something Beth Moore says: “It takes no effort on my part to wake up and be selfish.” It occurred to me that the root of my comment is that very thing: selfishness. It’s not that I don’t love this new baby. It’s that I am constantly fighting the tendency to love myself more, above everyone else.
To be honest, I can’t think of anything to say right now that would nicely and neatly wrap up my thoughts and make myself feel better. It’s humbling to admit that even after dealing with infertility, I’m very capable of complaining about pregnancy and motherhood, even though I’ve firmly decided that I won’t. I don’t understand it. But what I do know is that our God is a God of forgiveness and grace. And that truth inspires me to ask him for help and to keep trying.
Recently i am appauled at my lack of ability and follow-through in controlling my words. i have been praying a reciting the verse from jeremiah 15:19 something to the affect of, “…if you utter worthy, not worthless words, you will be my spokesman.” every day i start out with that and by 2 or 3 in the afternoon, i am filled with regret about the failure i have become in the things i have said to Klaus, Donavan, or whoever is with me. from a distance i can seem strong and committed, but i have to admit that deep down and the closer you get, the more you would see that i am angry and self-centered to the sickening extreme. my Bible study leader and prayer partner, Bill Lovell encouraged me the other night when i confessed that to him and said, “well, at least you get til 2 before you fail. the idea is progress.” i know that and in AA, they say the same thing. what it really comes down to for me is frustration about how much of my walk with the Lord is academic-my reading, prayers, action-everything! this morning, i sat there asking myself-and hopefully petitioning God, “where is the power? do i access your life-changing power or is my life a series of self-willed determinations to do right?” the devil will tell us we are the only ones who are this way, which is another lie(what else is new?), but i could care less if lots of people have an academic relationship with God. it’s no consolation because i dont want that.
Sometimes we do and say the very thing we strive not to. Don’t be too hard on yourself for being a normal human being expressing your mixture of emotions. I appreciate you being honest enough to be yourself with your in-law family who all love you and want to know you a little better, whether that is while your are experiencing the positive or negative aspects of your life. I don’t think anyone listening took what you said personally or thought you were being selfish with your disappointments. We have all been there with the holidays or some other event in our life not working out the way we had hoped and then trying to be thankful for the good that we do have in spite of our disappointment with it all.
I hear ya loud and clear – and thanks for being vulnerable enough to share about this. I often find myself complaining after what seemed like years of praying and begging God for a husband and lots of kids. Now that God has indeed blessed my life with more than I hoped, prayed or wished for – I find myself in those same moments, complaining instead of praising His faithfulness to me. Things aren’t always what they seem nor are they given to us (or taken from us) the way we’d like…. still – God is LOVE and He is good to all He has made (that’s us) – may our attitude be YES and AMEN to everything.. in the good, the bad and the ugly!
Well at least you caught yourself quickly afterwards! Contentment seems like such a hard thing to have and keep, for me it seems I grasp it for a moment and then if I don’t watch out it’s gone before I know it. Thanks for the reminder!!