Unfinished April 26, 2009
My book club is currently reading The Third Angel by Alice Hoffman and a line stuck out to me the other day. Hoffman describes a character by saying she “loved unfinished things. Finished was over and done with; she liked process, she liked moving things: rivers, clouds, heartbeats.” I sat there staring down at my book, thinking that I wish I could say that about myself. It’s very poetic and beautiful, and in a sense, it’s true – who doesn’t love rivers, clouds and heartbeats? But what I really love is certainty. I can walk through a process, even enjoy it, when I know for sure I’ll have what I want in the end.
Sometimes I wonder about my family. Is it complete now, just the three of us? If it is, that’s okay. At one point in my life I wondered if I’d ever be a mother, and I will always be grateful for Skylar, our miracle baby. But if it was just up to me, I’d definitely have more children. I grew up with four brothers and two sisters and I don’t want Sky to grow up alone.
I don’t know what the future holds though, so sometimes I fight the desire for more babies. I don’t want to want another child. I don’t want to be that vulnerable again, to willingly walk back into that risky place where I’m asking God for something I might not get. It’s safer to pray without faith and just ask God for things that seem like they might already happen. Praying for another baby means getting my hopes up and maybe facing disappointment. It requires me to acknowledge my total dependence on God and the lack of control I have over my life.
Adam and I could decide one child is enough and that we’d rather not even start down that path of hoping, trying, waiting and praying. We could decide that our family is finished and protect ourselves from being let down. But what kind of relationship will I have with God if I try to guard my heart from him? So for now I’ll choose uncertainty, risk, and possibility.
