Kiss Your Miracle

I’ll never forget the day during my pregnancy when we found out our baby was a girl. Of course we would have been happy with a boy too, but when the ultrasound tech told us we were having a daughter, I was thrilled. I remember how fun it was to start calling the baby “she” instead of “it,” to start talking about names, imagining what she’d look like. I went shopping that afternoon, and bought a few girly baby outfits just for fun. But as the weeks passed I began to think more about having a daughter, and the unique responsibility of trying to raise our little girl to be sensitive and sweet, but also confident in her identity as a child of God.

We’re all aware that girls in our culture face intense pressure to be beautiful and well-liked, and I started wondering what I could do as a mom to help my daughter feel secure in her own skin. I don’t think sheltering her completely from the outside world is the way to go (as appealing as it sometimes sounds), and that means she’ll be exposed at least somewhat to our looks-obsessed media. Most girls want to be pretty and I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with that. But I’d love to somehow expand her concept of beauty beyond the specific look of a magazine cover. I don’t want her to waste time feeling inadequate because she’s not perfect. But sometimes that feels like a lofty goal. I’m her mom, but I’m still just one voice. I thought about it many times during the pregnancy: how much can I realistically do?

And then one day this thought came to me clearly: stop criticizing yourself. At first it seemed strange. Shouldn’t I focus on not criticizing my daughter? But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. When I’m around someone who’s always saying she needs to lose a few pounds, I start to feel self-conscious in front of her. Especially if she’s smaller than I am. And if I spoke up about it, she would probably say, “Oh, I’m not talking about you. I just mean for me.” But I’ve gotten the message. Weight is very important to this person. And I already struggle with that idea enough on my own; I don’t need anyone to emphasize it to me. But before I make myself sound too innocent, let me confess that I’ve been on the other side of that conversation too. How many times have I been the one to make a negative comment? But lately I’ve been more aware of the women I know who never cut themselves down. Just being around them is a relief. I can focus on the relationship itself without analyzing how I look that day. And that’s how I want my daughter to feel around me – that I’m a person she can be herself with.

So near the end of my pregnancy I decided that I would train myself to keep my mouth shut about my physical appearance, and I’ve tried to stick to that. I have to admit, it hasn’t been easy. Next week we’re flying north to be with my extended family for the fourth of July. We’ll be at my parents’ house near Lake Michigan, which means lots of beach time and bathing suits. The other day I took Sky shopping with me and oh my word, it was hard not to verbalize the stuff in my head! My brain was shouting negative things with every new suit I tried on. I wanted to comment on my ultra-white skin, my post-baby belly, and how unfair it is that cellulite is cute on babies but not on grown women. But when I looked at Sky, smiling innocently at our reflection in the fitting room mirror, I held my tongue. She isn’t really talking beyond “mamma” and “daddy” yet, but I know she’s already listening. And I want to get in the habit now of emphasizing the things that matter, not what will fade away.