Kiss Your Miracle

Should I go back to work? It’s a loaded question. Most people I’ve encountered seem to have a strong opinion on the topic of working mothers. For me, the issue was simpler before I actually became a mom, when the discussion was all just in theory. Back when motherhood was only a daydream, I always pictured myself at home. But somehow the reality I live in today is more complicated than that. I’ve been home since Skylar’s birth last July, officially on a one-year leave from my high school teaching position. But now, with the 08-09 school year drawing to a close, I have a decision to make: do I go back to teaching or let the principal give my spot to someone else?

I’d like to work part-time. Occasionally my school district allows two teachers to share a full-time position. I’d get to teach, but have half the students and half the hours. I’ve also looked into tutoring, online teaching, and online grading. It seems like there are plenty of things I could do to bring in a little extra money without sacrificing the majority of my day at home with Sky. But my problem is that none of those things have come together yet. And my principal said no to part-time teaching, but the full-time position is still waiting for me, complete with health benefits.

My mom suggested that Adam and I pray about the decision every day, so we have. But sometimes it seems like the more I think about it, and the more I try to figure out what’s best, the more uncertain I feel. I page through my Bible asking for God to speak, wanting to suddenly find a big “NO” or “YES” in black ink before me. I was texting with my brother Nelson last week and told him I’ve been agonizing over what to do. “I know,” he wrote back. “It’s hard to make those decisions. ‘Left or right, Lord?’ Then He says, ‘I love you.'” Nelson’s right. And it’s wonderful the way God prioritizes his love for us over any circumstance we face. But I have to admit, my reaction is often an impatient, “Yes God, I know you love me, but what do I do?”

This past weekend I was in Chicago visiting my family and one afternoon I went out to lunch with Nelson and my brother Klaus. We talked about our work and money issues, and then somehow got onto the topic of insomnia, something Adam’s dealt with on and off for years. I was telling them that whenever Adam says he’s really hoping for a good night’s sleep, it’s usually a sign that he’ll be up for hours. It’s like he’s concentrating on it too much. Then Nelson said, “Kind of like when you ask God for a specific answer. If you put all your focus on the yes or no, sometimes it evades you.”

I’m still thinking about that conversation. Of course, God wants us to come to him for guidance. But have I been seeking God? Or just the answer to my dilemma? I think the two are supposed to be inseparable; we should seek God and wisdom simultaneously. But somehow in the decision-making process I seem to have lost focus. I have prayed about the job. But I’ve spent much more time thinking about it. Worrying over it. I’ve looked through my Bible, but with tunnel vision. I can’t honestly say I’ve been quiet before God, open to whatever he might have to tell me, whether it relates to my job dilemma or not. Oswald Chambers says, “The questions that matter in life are remarkably few, and they are all answered by these words – ‘Come to Me.'” I’m a planner and I like to have things decided. But maybe it’s time for me to take a break from over-analyzing my circumstances and just sit in the presence of the Lord.