Kiss Your Miracle

Sky is currently obsessed with books.    She’s never been a sit-still kind of girl, and the only cuddles I usually get are right after naptime when she’s still half-asleep. The rest of the time she’s on the move. But lately when we sit on the floor for playtime, she’ll bring me a book and then climb into my lap. I typically get through about half the words on each page before she’s flipping to the next one, and our little “reading” session usually lasts about 30 seconds before she jumps up to grab a different book. But still, my little girl loves books. I keep telling myself that she’s only thirteen months old and she’s going to change a lot over the years. But for now, she loves books. And as a go-to-the-library-once-a-week, total book nerd myself, I have a question for all you experienced mommies. Is it too early for me to get really, really excited?

Sometimes fear is good. Of course we all want happy, secure children as opposed to anxious ones. But Sky’s at an age where she can be a little too fearless. Over the weekend we went to the Palm Coast with my in-laws. They own a condo there with an amazing pool complex; there are two levels of pools for adults and children, a lazy river, a mega-sized hot tub, a fake beach pool, and a massive waterslide. In the past Adam and I would spend hours lounging on cushy reclining chairs near the quiet adult-only pool, where people sip margaritas and read magazines all afternoon. Now we’ve graduated to the kiddie pool, which is an entirely different world. But I was still really excited to go swimming, just knowing how much fun our little water baby would have. And she definitely enjoyed herself.

I love that Sky’s not afraid of the water. She doesn’t cry when she gets splashed in the face or nervously cling to us when we take her out deep. But she also has no concept of her own limitations. After five minutes of floating around in her little baby inner tube, she’d almost figured out how to climb out of it. At the edge of the beach pool, she needed someone in grabbing distance every second because of her tendency to go charging off into the water, oblivious to the fact that at thirteen months, she hasn’t yet mastered swimming by herself.

Developing a little fear will be good for Sky. I guess the trouble is that so many people fly right past a healthy level of fear into anxiety, where fear is irrational but still somehow overpowering. As I watched Sky in the pool, it hit me that part of my job as a mother is to teach her when to be cautious and when to be bold. It’s funny – the further I go into motherhood, the longer my job description gets. It’s probably a good thing that most of us don’t quite grasp all that’s in store for us before we become parents. But I’m starting to see more clearly now why God tells us to live one day at a time. Raising Sky to be a secure individual who accurately evaluates risk – that’s a huge task. Way too big for me. But drawing boundaries for her at the pool – that I can do. Motherhood is a million tiny decisions that add up to something big: the shaping of a life. Thank God he’s always telling us to rely on him. Every day I’m more aware that I can’t do it on my own.

Today is the first day of school in our county and my thoughts are on Forest High School, where I used to teach. Someone else now works in my old classroom, and it’s full of students I’ve never met. Instead of rushing around making seating charts, talking through procedures, and trying to remember names, I spent this morning sitting on the floor with Sky reading Goodnight Moon over and over and helping her shove little pretend cookies into a plastic, singing cookie jar.

I was reading Heather Armstrong’s blog the other day and her topic was the career-minded mom vs. the stay-at-home mom dilemma, and how it’s a conversation that will probably never end because many women feel so passionately right about their position in the debate. She then wrapped up her post by asking for feedback from her readers. When I last checked it, she had 935 comments. Yes, 935.

Armstrong is the blogger of all bloggers, in case you haven’t heard of her. Her site, www.dooce.com, is one of the most visited blogs on the internet. She definitely doesn’t need any publicity from me, but I can’t help plugging her site a bit because it’s hilarious and well done and sometimes even touching, despite her frequent profanity. But back to my point – 935 is a crazy amount of comments, even for the champion of the blogging world. She’s right when she says that we sure do have our opinions when it comes to working and motherhood.

So I was thinking through all of that as I sat on the floor this morning with Sky. I’ve been a full-time at home mom for just over a year now and I can easily say it’s the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done. I know without a doubt that I want to spend the majority of my day with Sky. But that doesn’t mean the daily reality of it is always enjoyable. I have to admit that I don’t usually lose track of time. In fact, I’ve been surprised at just how quickly I get irritated with the little things, and how easy it is to complain or lose my temper.

And that’s where the guilt comes in. So often at the end of the day I find myself wondering if I focused too much on getting things done. I hear Dr. Sears’ voice in my head warning, “It’s possible to be a full-time at home mom and only interact part-time with your child.” Then on other days I wonder if I’m spoiling my daughter. I wonder if she’s getting enough social interaction, enough outside time, enough healthy food to eat, and on and on. I thought being at home full-time would mean no guilt, but I’ve learned that it’s possible to second-guess yourself regardless of your working decision.

When it comes to the question of the ideal mother, I don’t have any answers other than it can’t just be one thing. I’m starting to learn that raising a child well will always require sacrifice of some kind. I feel no regret about my decision to give up my teaching position, but I do miss things about my old career. The good news is that I’m starting a new job in September, grading papers part-time for an online university. I’m also hoping to tutor a few students and develop my writing ability into something that might actually, eventually earn me a little money. It’s tricky – trying to find the balance between the work of motherhood and other work. But I’m hopeful that with time and plenty of trial and error, I’ll figure out what’s best for my family and for me.

The other night Adam and I were organizing some stuff in our garage when we found an old kukui nut lei from Hawaii, which Sky immediately claimed for herself. Seeing her with the lei was like a collision of worlds – my here and now interacting with my past.  Ten years ago, a month after my college graduation, I moved out to Kona, Hawaii, to work with an organization called Youth With a Mission (YWAM). I spent my early twenties living part-time in Hawaii and traveling in Asia and the South Pacific on two-month outreaches the rest of the time. It was three years of constant change, but it’s also where I met Adam, who became the most consistent part of my life. We got engaged in Montana the year after we left Kona, married in Chicago where I grew up, and for the past six years we’ve lived here in Florida near his family.

The kukui nut lei is now part of Sky’s toy box, and watching her play with it makes me smile. I like thinking about that time in my life, when the future was so undecided. As a wife and mother now, some of life’s big choices have been made. I wouldn’t change any of them and I’m so thankful for where I am today. But at the same time, life has a certain stability to it that isn’t nearly as glamorous as say, hiking the Annapurna trail in Nepal and backpacking through northern India for the summer. Sometimes those years seem surreal, like I might have just daydreamed them. But then there’s Sky, wearing a lei around her neck, reminding me that those years are part of who I am. I wouldn’t be Adam’s wife or even Sky’s mom without my YWAM experience.

God alone knows what the future holds. Maybe it’s a long, stable stretch of life in Florida. Maybe it’s another stretch with YWAM. Or maybe it’s something entirely new. All I know is that God is leading me every step and that means there’s a lot to look forward to.

Earlier today I was putting some sheets away in the linen closet when Sky slipped in beneath me and pulled out the scale. She dragged it into the hallway and for a while it fascinated her just to step on, step off, back on, etc. Then she noticed the numbers and that little red moving line and her face grew very serious. I grabbed my camera as she frowned in concentration. “Aw honey,” I said, laughing at her concerned expression. “We’ve all been there.” A few seconds later she looked up at me and grinned and started dancing around on the scale. I’m not really sure what her thoughts were in that moment or why she was suddenly so happy. But the next time I get on a scale and find myself a little too worked up over what it tells me, I’m going to remember my baby girl. Sometimes kids are just so smart.