Kiss Your Miracle

With my due date a week and a half away, it suddenly occurred to me that I won’t be pregnant much longer. It’s a thrilling fact – hopefully within the next few weeks I’ll be holding a healthy baby boy in my arms. I also can’t say I’ll miss the aches and pains of the third trimester, the endless trips to the bathroom, or the way people now stare at my tummy before making eye contact with me.

As each day passes, I’m more ready to have this baby. But I’m also very aware that life, especially unborn life, is fragile. I can’t help but think of two friends of mine dealing with the grief of recent miscarriage, and others who are still waiting for that first positive pregnancy test. I hope Adam and I are blessed with more children in the future, but I don’t assume it will happen, especially not according to a time frame we’ve planned. If God chooses to give us these two kids and no more, then we’ll be grateful and satisfied – it’s really not hard to get there when we thought at one point we might not have children at all. And with that in mind, I can’t help but consider these last days of pregnancy a treasure. Sometimes I think even now the discomfort of pregnancy is starting to fade from my mind, replaced by the overwhelming excitement of welcoming a new life into the world.

For the past week my mind’s been on overdrive – first spinning with thoughts of Jill and her family and then with the earthquake in Haiti, on top of my preoccupation with my pregnancy and due date, which is now two weeks away.

The other night we were watching the news coverage in Haiti as a doctor interviewed a young woman sitting outside, holding a three month old. “What are you feeding your baby?” the doctor asked. “Sugar water,” she said flatly. The doctor then turned to the camera and said that a young baby who’s fed nothing but sugar water will eventually die of malnutrition. “But even if I had a can of formula,” the doctor continued, “I couldn’t give it to her because it would start a riot.” That mother isn’t the only one without food for her baby.

Of course, my eyes immediately filled with tears. I feel connected to that mom, who would probably sacrifice anything she had to give her baby what she needs. I’ve also been thinking about all the pregnant women in Haiti right now, some of them with the same due date as mine. What will happen when they go into labor? Will they have access to a midwife and a clean place to give birth? What if there are complications? And how many of these new babies will end up really sick? The questions are endless.

To be completely honest, I’m not sure specifically how to respond to the disaster in Haiti. It’s hard to get beyond the sadness of what’s happened. So today I’m praying for a simple thing: that God will give me the ability to have faith that He can bring good – miracles even – out of horrific circumstances.

A little while ago Adam asked his parents if they wouldn’t mind watching Sky for an evening so the two of us could have a date before the baby comes. They told us they’d love to and even offered to keep her overnight. At first I thought no, that would be weird. Sky should sleep at our house unless there’s a real reason for her to stay somewhere else, right? Like when we’re actually at the hospital having the baby. But the more I thought about it, the nicer it began to sound, especially because John and Terry seemed so excited to have her.

So on Saturday morning while Sky ran around at her grandparents’ house, I sat in a perfectly quiet kitchen, slowly drinking a cup of coffee. Of course, I still woke up at the crack of dawn. But instead of getting up with Sky I stayed buried under a mountain of blankets for another hour.

The evening before was just as peaceful. As Adam and I shopped in Orlando and went out to dinner, I couldn’t help but notice how relaxing it was to just talk to him. I think that’s one of the hardest things about parenting a toddler – constant interruptions. At the end of a typical day when Adam gets home from work, my brain is full of things to tell him and ask him, and I can’t wait to have a real conversation. But when every other sentence is cut short because Sky needs something, wants something, or has decided to throw a random temper tantrum, I lose my train of thought. I tell myself we’ll talk about it when she goes to bed, but by then I’ve usually forgotten.

I know we won’t have little ones around forever; people in the grocery store are constantly reminding me how fast they grow up, which is probably very true in hindsight. So for now, Adam and I are doing our best to enjoy life with our family today, interruptions and all. But I have to admit that having a break was wonderful. I was excited for Sky to come home on Saturday, but I also appreciated the slow, gentle start to the weekend. Thanks John and Terry! You are a HUGE blessing to us.

Most of the country has been in a cold snap this week, and we’re even feeling it down here in Florida. It’s been in the twenties at night and we’ve actually been wearing coats outside, sometimes even in the late afternoon. The northerner in me loves it. It seems like weather shouldn’t make that much of a difference in my day, but I have to confess that the chilly temperatures definitely improve my mood, even if it is more work to get bundled up before we go out.

Today Skylar and I were getting ready to go to the library when I noticed she was walking around the house with her hands in her coat pockets. She looked so grown up, just casually waiting for me like a bored teenager. And as I snapped her picture, I felt this intense surge of love for her rise up inside me. A minute later I scooped her up and covered her face with kisses, even though she squealed and squirmed in my arms. I think this is my favorite part of being a mom – the random moments on an ordinary days, when I’m suddenly aware that motherhood is everything I thought it would be and more.

Our baby boy’s due date is less than a month away now and I’ve spent my share of time wondering how I’ll manage Sky at eighteen months along with a newborn. Today though, it occurred to me that I should be spending at least an equal amount of time enjoying my little girl. Right now she has my undivided attention, and although it’s uncomfortable to carry her on top of my oversized belly, I can still cuddle her whenever she wants it. I admit that sometimes she frustrates me, but she also makes me laugh – a lot. This morning when I was getting ready in front of the mirror, I realized she was being way too quiet. I expected to turn around and find my dresser emptied or my journal destroyed or something like that, but instead she was sitting quietly on the floor, studying a People magazine as if she could read every word. I love taking pictures of her and looking at them later when she’s in bed for the night. It helps me remember the good moments from the day and washes away some of the tension.

When the two of us are home alone during the week, we go on plenty of outings to move each day along. We go to the park and outside for walks and to the children’s section of the library, but I also take her to the places I like – Barnes and Noble and Panera. Sky loves being out and interacting with people, and although she’s pretty demanding while we’re in the car, I’m still only responsible for one child at this point. There’s just one car seat in our Forrester and I’m still using a single stroller. Hopefully by springtime, I’ll be out and about with both Sky and her little brother, and I’m sure I’ll take plenty of pictures of our son and both kids together. But it won’t be quite the same as life now with just my daughter. And as I appreciate having two kids, I also want to know that I enjoyed the time I had with just one.