Kiss Your Miracle

When Adam got home from work yesterday I left Sky with him and walked down to my sister-in-law Aron’s house for our once-a-week prayer session.  I have to admit, relief flooded my body as I headed down the road – not because I felt inspired to pray, but because it meant a break from being at home. It had been a weird day. Sky had fallen asleep in the car for five minutes – five minutes! – and that was enough to steal her entire morning nap. She was too awake to sleep, but too fussy to enjoy anything. Then she had an explosive poop, and while I was trying to get her yucky clothes off she managed to put her hands into the poop and smear it on her head (ick ick ick!). A single diaper change turned into an hour-long process including a bath for Sky and a whole bunch of laundry for me. I arrived at Aron’s house in a daze – exhausted, overheated, and irritated.

We went out to her back porch and I sipped a glass of water, trying to refocus my thoughts. When I asked Aron about her day she shared a bit about the Bible study she leads for high school girls. She’s been trying to convince them that God’s hand is on them in every situation, even when they can’t feel it. “I want them to know that none of their pain is wasted. God can redeem it all.” She acknowledged that we don’t always get to see full redemption here on earth, but that many times we will – if we persevere in faith. Then she said this: “At the end of the day, all that matters to me is that I refused to give Satan the victory.” I sat back in my chair, thinking about infertility. Satan wants to use it to make a woman give in to doubt and despair; God wants to pull that woman close and create in her a faith that goes beyond circumstances. Whether she realizes it or not, throughout each day she is allowing one side or the other to have his way in her life.

Suddenly it occurred to me that the same truth applies to me now as a mother. During my infertility I thought a lot about God and how I wanted to be a person who praised him every day, even if I never had a child. There were plenty of times when I was overwhelmed by my emotions, but infertility is a crisis, and I knew I had to choose God every day just to survive as a Christian. In the mundane day-to-day of life though, it’s harder for me to stay focused. Things that are insignificant in the long run warp my perspective and I find myself tired, feeling a vague sort of sadness over regrets from my past and a general anxiety about the future. There are times when it actually feels good to let my thoughts wander and those dark feelings take over. It can happen without me realizing it, and it often doesn’t even seem like a big deal. But Aron’s comment reminded me that there’s more going on each day than I can see. I Peter 5 says that we should be sober and alert because our “enemy prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (v. 8).  I don’t want to over-spiritualize things and blame Satan for my bad mood when it’s really my own fault. But that’s exactly the point – I have a choice about who I allow to move in life. Self-pity, jealousy, ingratitude – they’re sneaky sins that quietly settle over us when we’re not paying attention. They seem less serious than other more visible sins. But they have the power to make us completely ineffective in the kingdom of God. We can’t really be there for others or even hear from God when we’re all wrapped up in ourselves.

As I walked home yesterday I suddenly felt wide awake, broken out of the complaining haze I’d been drifting around in all day. Pastor Colin Smith says this about the spirit realm: “In every situation God is at work and your enemy is never asleep.” It’s a simple question: who has the victory in my life today?

Before I got pregnant I met a woman who went through five years of fertility treatments before finally having her son. She extended sympathy to me and told me not to let anyone minimize my pain. It was validating to hear and I appreciated it. But then she kept talking. She actually went on for quite a while, detailing just how wounded she is from her struggle. Is. Not was. She is still wounded. At this point her son was a teenager.

The interaction really bothered me. I was grateful for her willingness to reach out to me, but at the same time I felt panic rising up inside. I remember thinking, so even if I get pregnant and have a healthy child I’ll still carry around this same pain? This infertility will always be with me? The idea depressed me so much that I made a decision that day. I promised myself that if I ever did become a mother, even if I spent thousands of dollars and years of my life and even if I only had one child, I would let myself join the mommy club. I would choose to identify more with motherhood than with infertility.

Not that it’s always easy. We all know how infertility can affect a woman’s identity. Bitterness is a slow, sneaky thing – we don’t realize we headed down that path until one day we arrive in a place we never intended to be. Anyone can go there, even a woman like me, whose prayers for a baby were answered in a very cool, dramatic way. It takes work to be thankful for what we have, to spend time in that place of gratitude every day. If I don’t stop and deliberately think about it, I’ll drift away and start focusing all my attention on my next prayer request.

My point is not to condemn the woman who tried to comfort me. I just want to check my own heart and mind. Pastor Colin Smith says, “Time only heals if the wound is clean.” If you’ve faced infertility, you’ve dealt with hurt and disappointment and it’s possible to carry that pain around even once you become a mother. The good news is that God knows our hearts and he is always ready to heal us, if only we will let him.

Human beings are very adaptable. We get used to things. At one point for each of us, infertility was a major part of our lives. We thought about it every day. We wondered if it would always be like this and desperately hoped it wouldn’t be. Then we became mothers. We went from feeling empty to feeling overwhelmed, swept up in the nonstop activity of life as a new parent. Motherhood is so all-consuming that we didn’t have time to sit and daydream about how fulfilled we felt; we were too busy changing diapers, wiping up baby puke, and working to keep the baby calm. If you’re like me, you might even find it hard to remember what life was like before your child arrived. Which brings me back to how adaptable we are – we can even get used to miracles.

I don’t want to sit around and meditate on how sad infertility is or dwell on the emotions I felt before I became a mom. But at the same time, I never want to forget how much I prayed for a baby and how it felt when God answered those prayers. Psalm 77:11 says, “I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.” Meditating on the goodness of God is part of being a Christian. God didn’t have to give me a baby. He’s already given me his Son. But he chose to answer my prayers with the kindness of a Father who loves extravagantly.

My nature is to take things for granted. But with God’s help, I’ll choose to remember what he has done for me and motherhood will not be one of those things. Today when my baby wakes up I’ll tell her that she is a miracle and a blessing from God. She won’t realize it, but I’ll be telling myself too. It’s something I never want to forget.